Ten ways to improve football

1. INTRODUCE RETROSPECTIVE BOOKINGS
These days, after every disputed yellow card, or sending off, an indignant manager sends in an appeal form in the hope of getting his players off the hook. Sometimes this works, and a suitably chastened referee might apologise and carries on his work with a telling off.

Why not return the favour and allow referees to award yellow cards for offences that they might have missed? I would especially like to see this happen for "simulation" offences. Introduce an automatic 3 match suspension for anyone who dives.

2. OBSTRUCTION
When did obstruction become legal? Currently known as "shepherding the ball out", it actually involves obstructing the opposition player from reaching the ball. I questioned a referee on this recently and he told me that the defensive player is deemed to be in control of, and therefore protecting the ball, rather than committing an offence of obstruction. Well let's change it then. Make it so that you have to touch the ball to be in control of it. That would stop the "shepherding" altogether, as it would result in a corner, not the goal kick which currently rewards negative play.

3. MIC UP THE REFS
This would be great wouldn't it ? It works in rugby. Just about the only way to understand what is going on at the breakdown is to listen to the ref (and even he isn't sure sometimes). In football it would let us know what is really going on. Mystifying yellow cards become understandable, and the behaviour of the players opened up for all to see. What's not to like ? If you're worried about the kids, then just put it in as a red button option with parental control.

4. COMMENTATORS
Force any professional commentator to undertake a referees badge. I'm fed up of hearing some fifty year old scouser moaning about an onside centre forward "interfering with play". They usually say "if he's not interfering with play he shouldn't be on the pitch". Bollocks. It's gone lads. Get over it. The law has changed. Learn it.

5. HALF-TIME ORDERS
Allow customers to pre-order their half time refreshments, just as they do in the theatre. You pay upfront before kick-off and when the half-time whistle goes, you turn up to collect your freshly pulled pint and a steaming mug of Bovril.

6. DUFF BEER VENDORS
It's about time we had some of those geezers who wander around the ground selling beer and hot dogs. Just about the only worthwhile contribution that America has made to spectator sport.

7. FLAGS
Let us take flagpoles in again. They were never very good weapons anyway. Let's see flag waving masses back at the games. And let us hang our flags over the balconies. You know it adds to the occasion.

8. PRE-MATCH QUEUES
Solve pre-match queues in the pubs by introducing the Argos ticketing system. You take a ticket. When it's your turn, you can saunter leisurely up to the bar and place your order. No more mauling towards the bar in amongst 7ft giants, desperately trying to catch the eye of a barman who is desperately trying not to see you. Divine.

9. MINUTES SILENCE
Come on. Enough already. If it's a local tragedy, fair enough. But no more minute silences for the unfortunate demise of an Egyptian Prime Minister. Ostentatious grief has been in vogue since Diana, but it's time to give it a rest.

10. MOVING ADVERTISING BOARDS
They make your eyes go funny and attract your attention away from the game. It's not fair. We pay to watch the football, you tossers.