Saturday, April 05, 2008

Media Demands are affecting my bowel movements

Like anyone else who speaks over 3 words of Welsh and has visited Ninian Park at least once, my views have been much in demand by various welsh language outlets this past couple of weeks.
I got the call from "Ar y Marc" yesterday. That's BBC Cymru's football programme which goes out at 8.30am every Saturday morning. Which means that you actually record your interview at about 7.15am.
After a few pre-weekend pints in Y Fic, and a late night session of watching The Cardiff City history DVD, I woke bleary-eyed and flat-tailed at about 7.14am. Get the kettle on and wait for the call. And wait. And wait.
By 7.19am, I was full of coffee and ready for my morning ablutions. I had erm..something that needed attention. But I couldn't go and sit on the bog just in case the radio called. I couldn't do an interview on the throne could I?
I sat there with a rumble in the jungle till 7.45am when they called. I managed to summon up a cheery "Bore Da!" and was ready with the laddish bonhomie that football shows require. "I'm sorry", said the nice lady, "but the programme is full today, and we won't be using you".
This is not unusual. Items are dropped from news shows all the time. In 1982 I was on my way to the Breakfast TV studios in London when I was told that Dolly Parton had turned up unexpectedly and pushed me out of the schedule. Rejected for Dolly Parton? What an honour.
Still, my "Ar y Marc" cancellation gave me time to sit on the chamber and mull over some important questions.
I've decided against blue hair as that's more suitable for a final. And face paint is out in case we lose. I don't want to be the twat in tears on Match of the Day with blue paint dripping down my cheeks.
No, I have settled on the "fits where it touches" replica 1970s shirt. And I will wear a longish blue tee shirt underneath in case we score. You see, when I raise my arms, my 70s shirt rises and shows my belly. And I'm in the front row so I don't want to scare the viewers.
I checked the stadium regulations and I'm allowed to take in 1 metre high flagpoles. Which is excellent. Except that my flag is 2 metres high. Still, at least air horns are banned. Mill Stad are you listening?

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