Don't ask me for a tip

I'm having a stinking run on the spread betting. If you need to know which way a game will go, just ask me what I predict. the outcome will be the exact opposite.

In my bid to live beyond 50, I am spending a lot of time on the old exercise bike which as you know is very very boring and can only be suffered in front of a live football match. I've taken advantage of the free Setanta offer and I spend an hour most days in front a small tv, watching the second half of an obscure live game.

Live games are also pretty boring , so I have to bet to maintain an interest. This means that I am gambling way outside my sphere of knowledge on games that could go either way. Except with my backing, they are guaranteed to throw up a surprise.

It was the rugby last night. I bought sporting index's 15-18 minute spread on the time of the first try. It was Stradey's last game and I was sure it would be a let down until the players settled down after all the hype. What happens? Some lard arsed Bristolian centre falls flat on his arse and Stoddard strolls over unopposed after 3 minutes. It is the only time Llanelli (Scarlets my arse - Parc y Scarlets? What sort of Welsh is that? Oh I know, Llanelli Welsh.) come close to scoring for the rest of the half.

And tonigth it was Blackburn v Middlesbrough, possibly the most unattractive fixture in the football calendar. I would have much preferred to have stuck with Aberystwyth v TNS on S4C, which was a cracking game, but had no sporting index coverage of course.

With the spread at 0.2-0.4 for a Blackburn win, I sold at £20, expecting a 0-0 pile of turge. I was right about the pile of turge and I nearly feel off my bike when Boro scored.

From then on, there was 20 minutes of no hope and Bob Hope for Blackburn. That is until Gareth Southgate made The World's Worst Substitution. Off went Tuncay and on came Marvin Emnes a £3m signing from Heerenveen.

Emnes had an undistingushed 15 minutes on the pitch, during which time he committed 2 fouls, was offside three times and touched the ball not once. Then in the 93rd minute he thrust his arse in the face of Brett Emerton for no discernible reason and gave away the free kick that let to Blackburn's unforeseeable equaliser. Except in my house, where it was inevitable, robbing me as it did of £20. Grrrrr!